occupation of a mother's heart

occupation of a mother's heart

i remember how my blood raced thru my veins,

when my youngest son, chris,

a fit and readied army soldier,

was making his way to the other side of the world~

to a place where peace was unrealized…

i was drowning in crocodile tears.

fear and worry took up residency

in my heart and mind.

i couldn’t escape those relentlessly anxious thoughts.

i would remind myself to breathe.

his son, logan, 

was swaddled in my arms.

i welcomed the gifts

my precious 3 month old grandson 

brought to his grandma...

the smell of new~

innocence incarnate

steady breath upon finding sleep

trust without condition

i would hold him tightly,

whisper stories of his father's love,

his compassionate reach,

faith without fear,

courage and determination.

logan's deep belly cries reminded me of

the certain realization:

dad is gone!!!!

he would not soon return.

i understood logan’s wailing...

i wanted to wail, too!

we wailed together.

and then i prayed.

i turned to God.

He knows me,

i asked for the peace

that surpassed all understanding

i sought His strength

begged for patience

but, honestly,

i held on tightly…ridiculously and selfishly

i held on

...willfully wishing for control,

but i knew

i just knew

deep down in my heart

that i had to

let go and let God

 

"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives, 

do I give to you.
Let not your heart be troubled, 

nor let it be fearful." -John 14:27